Satya Nadella, after taking over Microsoft in 2014, embarked on a “listening tour” where he met with thousands of employees across the globe. He actively listened to their concerns, ideas, and frustrations, which helped him diagnose Microsoft’s cultural issues and implement successful turnaround strategies.

Listening is a skill that is not often talked about, and yet is an extremely crucial part of being good at our jobs, relationships, and any social interactions. I have been trying to understand how I can be a better listener, to show up in my personal relationships, my work, and in passing interactions. I was drawn to Carolyn Coughlin’s work on the topic and have learnt a lot from her material. Carolyn is an executive coach and co-founder of Cultivating Leadership – a leadership development consulting firm. Her approach to listening is deeply informed by adult development theory and the nuanced ways in which we construct meaning and identity through language.

Carolyn describes three forms of Listening: Listening to Win, Listening to Fix, and Listening to Learn. I find that being aware of the terminology itself helps me to be more mindful of how I show up and listen better.

Listening to Win: You just saw a movie with a friend, and you’re sharing what you didn’t like about it. Your friend really liked the movie, so they counter everything you’re pointing out. Their approach is to persuade you to accept their viewpoint of how the movie was not bad, instead of just listening and trying to understand. This form of listening to win involves trying to make a problem seem nonexistent by dismissing it outright. It’s about overcoming the other person’s concerns by negating them, which can lead to a superficial resolution of conflict with little or no understanding or empathy​​ (and a completely unsatisfying exchange!)

Listening to Fix: My co-worker is sharing how they’re feeling overwhelmed at work. I find myself jumping in with suggestions for managing it and offering a dozen solutions nobody asked for.
This type of listening is action-oriented, where the listener tries to solve the speaker’s problem, often before fully understanding any nuance of the issue. Of course, It comes from a place of wanting to help, but it tends to surpass the speaker’s need to be heard and understood before seeking solutions​​. Additionally, my coworker wasn’t really asking for solutions in the first place.

Listening to Learn: This is my favorite, and is the one that I try to practice at work and in my personal relationships (although I do catch myself failing!). Carolyn explains that Listening to Learn means going into a conversation with curiosity, and a genuine desire to hear what the person is trying to share, beyond the surface level of what is being said. This often entails reflecting back to the person to show understanding, asking questions, and gaining deeper insight into their thoughts and feelings. It’s about truly understanding the speaker’s intentions and is considered a more empathetic and effective form of listening​​​​.

To me, this intuitively feels like the way I want to be heard, and so it is the form of listening I try to inculcate in my everyday. I find that it fosters connection, empathy and understanding and has led to the most meaningful conversations I have ever had.

Listening to learn in particular is a key skill in professional settings, and a display of true leadership.

My personal practice these days, is to not offer solutions if they are not asked, and to try and communicate in a way that the speaker truly feels seen and heard. Simply knowing the terminology here helps me be more mindful of this. For example, when I catch myself starting to give unwanted solutions I quietly say to myself – “I think I’m listening to fix , maybe pause for a second and ask a question instead, or just listen.”

I highly recommend consuming Carolyn’s content and ‘Listening’ to what she has to so eloquently say about this subject!