Goals

Stuck in Replay? How Rumination Affects Our Mind and Self-Esteem

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Have you ever found yourself ruminating on a past argument, reliving the hurt and anger? Or had moments where you start thinking about an argument you had and suddenly you’ve developed a whole alternate scenario of how things could have turned out, what would have been an amazing comeback, or how we could have avoided being embarrassed through a quip or a retort. The problem is – when we’re on this runaway train of thought, our bodies respond as if we are in the moment of this imagined scenario and all the associated feelings and emotions flood in – our heart rate rises, the cortisol levels in our body increase, and suddenly we find ourselves lying awake, anxious, in the middle of the night, when very little of what we imagined actually happened, and with no positive outcome or solution. This is the trap of rumination.

How does the Brain Ruminate:

In the brain, rumination is often linked to the default mode network (DMN) – which is active when our mind wanders, and involves self-referential processing. It’s active when we’re awake but not really thinking about anything in particular. While it might feel that rumination is a powerful emotion that demands attention, it can actually affect one’s self-perception negatively i.e. the incident that occurred with me in which I was strongly implicated really hurt my feelings. Continuously ruminating on a distressing incident can amplify the emotional pain and solidify an overly critical self-assessment. This process makes it difficult to separate one’s identity from these negative events, perpetuating a cycle of self-blame and lowered self-esteem.

Rumination v/s Reflection:

There’s a fine but clear distinction between rumination and reflection. Reflection often involves analyzing an instance in a balanced way, considering both positive and negative aspects, with the aim to learn and grow from it. Rumination, on the other hand, focuses on negative emotions and doesn’t lead to solutions. For instance, imagine a scenario where you gave a presentation at work and afterwards felt you could have explained a section better:

Rumination: You dwell on the negative thoughts: “It was a disaster! Everyone thinks I’m bad. I should quit!” (Focuses on self-blame and negativity)

Reflection: After the presentation, you think, “I could have explained that part better. Next time, I’ll try a different visual aid.” (Focuses on learning from a mistake)

Ruminating can sometimes be a useful mechanism as it can help us learn from our experiences. By ruminating on what went wrong, our ancestors could learn to avoid similar dangers or mistakes in the future. While these evolutionary reasons may have been advantageous in the past, the modern world presents far fewer physical threats, yet our brains continue to operate as if we’re on constant high alert. Letting go of that one seemingly insensitive thing your friend said will not threaten your survival. However, this mismatch between our evolutionary processes and the modern society leads to overgeneralization, where the brain applies ancient survival mechanisms to modern-day stresses, resulting in chronic rumination and anxiety over relatively minor issues.

Avoiding the Rumination Trap:

There are various strategies that are suggested in bodies of research that can help practically step out the rumination cycle. Some of the ones I find most effective are:

  • Thought labeling: Identify rumination when it happens, and simply label it. “I’m stuck in a rumination cycle right now’. Language is powerful, and recalling just one word that labels a train of thought can help disrupt it.
  • Scheduled ‘Worry time’: When I’m anxious and am unable to get out of anxious thoughts, I alot myself a time window : if it’s 1 am in the night and I’m stuck in a negative loop, I set a quick alarm for the next 5-7 minutes in which I dedicate it to letting my thoughts run wild. The idea here is to allow myself to think about these things without judgment, but only during this designated time. Often, I’ve already stopped ruminating and find myself simply waiting for the alarm to ring, signaling an actual closure to the loop.
  • Physical distractions: 5 jumping jacks, a quick jig, blasting my favorite song in my ears for a few seconds, or any other form of distraction that simply takes me away for a few seconds offers great mental relief.
  • Antidote experiences: Whenever possible, I try to engage with a really positive experience, to counterbalance the negative bias inherent in rumination. This can include simple moments of joy, successes, or just a joke that cracked me up earlier.
  • Acceptance and Mindfulness: Accepting flaws without harsh judgement, and with a moment of mindful awareness is hugely powerful, although a bit harder to practice for me personally in instances of rumination.

While there are certainly many other strategies that work for different people, We have to find what works for us. We’re all wired differently, and discovering what helps in what situation is a truly personal and explorative journey. Learning about strategies and credible ways to avoid rumination and other anxious feelings is a great first step in this path so that one can then explore what works, and further bolster our mental toolkits to be able to deploy these strategies in inevitable moments of stress.

Sources and Supporting Research:

How to Set Goals Effectively

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Like most of us, I have made the mistake of setting goals that are dependent on outcomes, and have been stressed about not getting there. Outcome Goals focus on the end-result and can sound like:
– I want a promotion
– I want to save X amount of money
– I want to be recognized as an expert in my field and so on.

Outcome goals are important. They give us a clear path towards something that we can strive for, but they can often be problematic because they focus only on the end result of efforts, something over which we have limited control due to the dependency on external factors. Outcome goals are great at setting a clear target to aim for, are measurable, but the dependance on external factors and lack of immediate gratification (slower progress) can lead to disappointment.

Process goals on the other hand, are means to the end for Outcome Goals.

While most of us tend to focus on outcome goals, I find that process goals often contribute more to success than outcome goals do.

Process goals focus on action – giving us a sense of agency, and are great for building habits.
Here’s why I find process goals powerful:

  • Increased control: They empower us by focusing on actions within our control, fostering a proactive approach and building confidence.
  • Improved motivation: Smaller, achievable process goals provide frequent wins and milestones, boosting motivation and preventing burnout often associated with distant, outcome-based goals.
  • Greater adaptability: They’re flexible and can be adjusted as needed, allowing us to adapt to changing circumstances and maintain progress even when outcomes shift.
  • Enhanced learning: The focus on consistent action and feedback promotes continuous learning and improvement.

The key, of course, lies in balance. Being aware of the distinction and being mindful of our internal dialog about goal setting is extremely important in getting the best out of planning and action, and the practice of balancing the two will also aid in deciding when to capitalize one over the other.

Process goals of the previous examples can look like:
– I want a promotion —> I want to upskill and be better at my job
– I want to saving X amount of money —> I want to be better at managing my finances through budgeting, tracking etc
– I want to be recognized as an expert in a field —> I want to be committed to learning and sharing my knowledge
– I want to lose weight —-> I want to train twice a week

A few strategies that help me keep process goals on track include keeping process goals SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound), tracking progress and celebrating small wins to stay motivated, being flexible and adjusting process goals as needed, and combining process goals with outcome goals for a balanced approach.

While the focus on goals and progress dates back to early management theories, today’s understanding draws on various fields including behavioral psychology and personal development, with modern proponent of Process Goals such as James Clear (Atomic Habits) highlighting the power of process-driven habits for lasting success. If you haven’t ready Atomic Habits already, I highly recommend it.

Wants tied to outcomes that we cannot control are a recipe for unhappiness, because while we strive for our desired outcomes, life often throws curveballs. Balancing process and outcome goals allows us to adjust our focus based on circumstances, ensuring we keep moving forward even when the end result might shift. This agility makes us more resilient and better equipped to handle the inevitable challenges that come our way.

How to be a Better Listener

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Satya Nadella, after taking over Microsoft in 2014, embarked on a “listening tour” where he met with thousands of employees across the globe. He actively listened to their concerns, ideas, and frustrations, which helped him diagnose Microsoft’s cultural issues and implement successful turnaround strategies.

Listening is a skill that is not often talked about, and yet is an extremely crucial part of being good at our jobs, relationships, and any social interactions. I have been trying to understand how I can be a better listener, to show up in my personal relationships, my work, and in passing interactions. I was drawn to Carolyn Coughlin’s work on the topic and have learnt a lot from her material. Carolyn is an executive coach and co-founder of Cultivating Leadership – a leadership development consulting firm. Her approach to listening is deeply informed by adult development theory and the nuanced ways in which we construct meaning and identity through language.

Carolyn describes three forms of Listening: Listening to Win, Listening to Fix, and Listening to Learn. I find that being aware of the terminology itself helps me to be more mindful of how I show up and listen better.

Listening to Win: You just saw a movie with a friend, and you’re sharing what you didn’t like about it. Your friend really liked the movie, so they counter everything you’re pointing out. Their approach is to persuade you to accept their viewpoint of how the movie was not bad, instead of just listening and trying to understand. This form of listening to win involves trying to make a problem seem nonexistent by dismissing it outright. It’s about overcoming the other person’s concerns by negating them, which can lead to a superficial resolution of conflict with little or no understanding or empathy​​ (and a completely unsatisfying exchange!)

Listening to Fix: My co-worker is sharing how they’re feeling overwhelmed at work. I find myself jumping in with suggestions for managing it and offering a dozen solutions nobody asked for.
This type of listening is action-oriented, where the listener tries to solve the speaker’s problem, often before fully understanding any nuance of the issue. Of course, It comes from a place of wanting to help, but it tends to surpass the speaker’s need to be heard and understood before seeking solutions​​. Additionally, my coworker wasn’t really asking for solutions in the first place.

Listening to Learn: This is my favorite, and is the one that I try to practice at work and in my personal relationships (although I do catch myself failing!). Carolyn explains that Listening to Learn means going into a conversation with curiosity, and a genuine desire to hear what the person is trying to share, beyond the surface level of what is being said. This often entails reflecting back to the person to show understanding, asking questions, and gaining deeper insight into their thoughts and feelings. It’s about truly understanding the speaker’s intentions and is considered a more empathetic and effective form of listening​​​​.

To me, this intuitively feels like the way I want to be heard, and so it is the form of listening I try to inculcate in my everyday. I find that it fosters connection, empathy and understanding and has led to the most meaningful conversations I have ever had.

Listening to learn in particular is a key skill in professional settings, and a display of true leadership.

My personal practice these days, is to not offer solutions if they are not asked, and to try and communicate in a way that the speaker truly feels seen and heard. Simply knowing the terminology here helps me be more mindful of this. For example, when I catch myself starting to give unwanted solutions I quietly say to myself – “I think I’m listening to fix , maybe pause for a second and ask a question instead, or just listen.”

I highly recommend consuming Carolyn’s content and ‘Listening’ to what she has to so eloquently say about this subject!