motivation

Stop Comparing, Start Thriving: Why “Comparison is the Thief of Joy” Matters More Than Ever

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We often hear the adage – “Comparison is the thief of joy” – but why? Why do humans compare and does it ever serve us?

The human tendency to compare ourselves with others has deep roots in the theory of evolution and social psychology. Neuroimaging research* has even shown that there are certain regions of the brain that are activated when we indulge in social comparisons, meaning that it has a deeper, biological biases along with the psychological and evolutionary. But why have we evolved to have this trait if it is bad?

Evolutionarily, comparison helped improve our chances of survival. Simply put, it let early humans learn who was better at finding food, avoiding predators, making better tools etc. This was not about jealousy or pride, but about finding the best strategy for survival. “if she can catch more fish using that technique, maybe I should try it…”

Comparison can be adaptive and it can motivate self-improvement, foster empathy and enhance learning. When comparison is adaptive, it is a proponent of progress instead of a thief of joy. Mentorship is a good example of this. I may not be inspired if I didn’t compare myself to someone who has achieved success on an aspirational path. `

Alternatively, comparison can be maladaptive, characterized by a negative focus, a distorted perception of reality, leading to decreased well-being, low self-esteem, jealousy, social isolation, and mental conditions like depression and anxiety. We’re all too familiar with seeing someone’s highly curated social media content and immediately (unconsciously) comparing ourselves to their situation, leading to a sudden negative fluctuation in our mood, all from a few seconds of screentime. 

I think of the distinction between adaptive and maladaptive comparison with a simple question – Does it energize and motivate me (adaptive), or does it leave me feeling discouraged and inadequate (maladaptive).

Do any of us remember when the number of likes or views became such a powerful force of validation? This comparison can be adaptive in that it can push me to produce better content, but (more often) it ends up being maladaptive in that I can hyper-fixate on how one of my posts got a third of the impressions over another, with my brain taking no time at all to start spinning the tale of how I’m being perceived by my peers and connections and that I’ve done something wrong.

When we compare, we end up trying to see where we stand in an imagined ranking system against others. We’re all different, we all have cool things about us, but at the same time, we’re all just normal folks with our own issues and mistakes.

Addressing the challenge of shifting from maladaptive to adaptive comparisons requires a conscious effort to reframe our perspective. It’s about cultivating a mindset where our focus shifts from rivalry to self-improvement, from envy to inspiration. This doesn’t mean ignoring the achievements of others but rather seeing them as benchmarks for our own potential growth, without the self-deprecating narrative.

Here’s a few ways to put this mindset shift into practice:

  • Catch Yourself: The first step is becoming aware of your comparison habits. When you find yourself feeling down after scrolling through social media, take a breath and ask yourself, “Is this motivating me or making me feel small?”
  • Reframe the Narrative: Instead of the usual “Ugh, I’ll never be as cool as them,” try a more positive spin. “Wow, that’s inspiring! Maybe I could try incorporating some of their techniques into my own work.”
  • Gratitude: Thankful brains are less comparison prone. Acknowledging even 3 small things one is grateful for can have a deeply uplifting effect.

The constant comparison trap can steal our joy and stunt our growth. How about we instead focus on celebrating uniqueness, seeking inspiration instead of competition, & focusing on our own strengths?

* Supporting Resources:

How to Set Goals Effectively

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Like most of us, I have made the mistake of setting goals that are dependent on outcomes, and have been stressed about not getting there. Outcome Goals focus on the end-result and can sound like:
– I want a promotion
– I want to save X amount of money
– I want to be recognized as an expert in my field and so on.

Outcome goals are important. They give us a clear path towards something that we can strive for, but they can often be problematic because they focus only on the end result of efforts, something over which we have limited control due to the dependency on external factors. Outcome goals are great at setting a clear target to aim for, are measurable, but the dependance on external factors and lack of immediate gratification (slower progress) can lead to disappointment.

Process goals on the other hand, are means to the end for Outcome Goals.

While most of us tend to focus on outcome goals, I find that process goals often contribute more to success than outcome goals do.

Process goals focus on action – giving us a sense of agency, and are great for building habits.
Here’s why I find process goals powerful:

  • Increased control: They empower us by focusing on actions within our control, fostering a proactive approach and building confidence.
  • Improved motivation: Smaller, achievable process goals provide frequent wins and milestones, boosting motivation and preventing burnout often associated with distant, outcome-based goals.
  • Greater adaptability: They’re flexible and can be adjusted as needed, allowing us to adapt to changing circumstances and maintain progress even when outcomes shift.
  • Enhanced learning: The focus on consistent action and feedback promotes continuous learning and improvement.

The key, of course, lies in balance. Being aware of the distinction and being mindful of our internal dialog about goal setting is extremely important in getting the best out of planning and action, and the practice of balancing the two will also aid in deciding when to capitalize one over the other.

Process goals of the previous examples can look like:
– I want a promotion —> I want to upskill and be better at my job
– I want to saving X amount of money —> I want to be better at managing my finances through budgeting, tracking etc
– I want to be recognized as an expert in a field —> I want to be committed to learning and sharing my knowledge
– I want to lose weight —-> I want to train twice a week

A few strategies that help me keep process goals on track include keeping process goals SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound), tracking progress and celebrating small wins to stay motivated, being flexible and adjusting process goals as needed, and combining process goals with outcome goals for a balanced approach.

While the focus on goals and progress dates back to early management theories, today’s understanding draws on various fields including behavioral psychology and personal development, with modern proponent of Process Goals such as James Clear (Atomic Habits) highlighting the power of process-driven habits for lasting success. If you haven’t ready Atomic Habits already, I highly recommend it.

Wants tied to outcomes that we cannot control are a recipe for unhappiness, because while we strive for our desired outcomes, life often throws curveballs. Balancing process and outcome goals allows us to adjust our focus based on circumstances, ensuring we keep moving forward even when the end result might shift. This agility makes us more resilient and better equipped to handle the inevitable challenges that come our way.