psychology

The Space Between Stimulus and Response

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The Science Behind Why Pausing Before We React Can Change Our Lives

On Autopilot: Our Brains and Knee-Jerk Reactions

Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman passed recently, and a lot of what I write about started from his famous book – Thinking Fast and Slow. His loss is an absolute loss to the world, but his contributions are forever etched in history. Thank you for everything you’ve done, Danny.

Have you ever fired off a sarcastic email in a moment of frustration, only to regret it later, or snapped at a co-worker just because you were having a bad day? These are examples of how when a triggering stimulus occurs, our brains often react on autopilot, without much conscious control.

In his research, Danny explained how our brains operate with two distinct systems. System 1, often referred to as the “fast thinking” system, is our primal, instinctive processor. It’s responsible for split-second decisions, recognizing patterns, and triggering emotional responses like fear or anger. Imagine you’re crossing the street and suddenly see a car careening towards you. System 1 kicks in, triggering the fight-or-flight response, and you jump back onto the sidewalk.

System 2, on the other hand, is the more deliberative system. It’s slower, more analytical, and responsible for complex thought, planning, and weighing options. This is the system we use when tackling a challenging problem at work or navigating a nuanced social situation. What happens when we are triggered in such a social situation though?

When Emotions Hijack Our Thinking (How System 1 Takes Over)

What happens if we’re having a bad day, and someone said something that just rubbed us the wrong way, or started to anger us? System 2 is quickly thrown out of the window, and emotions like anger, annoyance, irritation and impatience kick in. What would otherwise have been a mild annoyance has the potential to turn into a full-blown episode – just because we reacted instead of responding to a situation.

Similarly, imagine being stuck in rush hour traffic, a classic trigger for frustration. System 1 might fire off a string of negative thoughts, making us feel increasingly tense and agitated, which does nothing more than make the time we inevitably have to spend in traffic be even more distressing than it needs to be.

However, by pausing to acknowledge these thoughts (“I’m getting frustrated right now”), we can activate System 2. This allows us to choose a more constructive response, like putting on a song, changing the radio station, or calling that friend you’ve been meaning to call but just haven’t been able to make time for.

The Power of the Pause:

Here’s the science behind why this pause matters: our brains are a simulation generating machine – what we imagine, our brains make real. Research suggests that the emotional response triggered by these simulations can feel just as real as an actual experience [2]. By recognizing this tendency of our minds, we can gain agency over our reactions. The pause allows us to break the spell of negativity and choose a response that aligns with our values and goals.

In my personal experience with this, I’ve cultivated a cue – whenever I feel anxious and seem to be getting annoyed with everything – this itself is my trigger to just take the tiniest second and slow down, simply to acknowledge that I’m angry and annoyed right now. In moments of stress, this activity does feel annoying at first but by telling myself that I can be angry immediately after my little pause, if I still need to, really helps and I rarely end up picking my anger up from where I left it. With practice, the efficacy of this approach has grown for me. After all, being stressed and acting stressed creates a self-perpetuating cycle in itself. My goal is to (try to) understand what I’m feeling, take action if I can, and let it go it I can’t.

This isn’t about suppressing emotions, it’s about becoming more aware of the inner workings of the mind. By practicing this, we can create distance from thoughts, respond instead of react to situations, and live more deliberately.

Creating space between stimulus and response can be a hugely powerful tool. By cultivating awareness and harnessing the pause, we can transform our reactions into conscious responses, fostering a more mindful and intentional way of being.

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Stop Comparing, Start Thriving: Why “Comparison is the Thief of Joy” Matters More Than Ever

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We often hear the adage – “Comparison is the thief of joy” – but why? Why do humans compare and does it ever serve us?

The human tendency to compare ourselves with others has deep roots in the theory of evolution and social psychology. Neuroimaging research* has even shown that there are certain regions of the brain that are activated when we indulge in social comparisons, meaning that it has a deeper, biological biases along with the psychological and evolutionary. But why have we evolved to have this trait if it is bad?

Evolutionarily, comparison helped improve our chances of survival. Simply put, it let early humans learn who was better at finding food, avoiding predators, making better tools etc. This was not about jealousy or pride, but about finding the best strategy for survival. “if she can catch more fish using that technique, maybe I should try it…”

Comparison can be adaptive and it can motivate self-improvement, foster empathy and enhance learning. When comparison is adaptive, it is a proponent of progress instead of a thief of joy. Mentorship is a good example of this. I may not be inspired if I didn’t compare myself to someone who has achieved success on an aspirational path. `

Alternatively, comparison can be maladaptive, characterized by a negative focus, a distorted perception of reality, leading to decreased well-being, low self-esteem, jealousy, social isolation, and mental conditions like depression and anxiety. We’re all too familiar with seeing someone’s highly curated social media content and immediately (unconsciously) comparing ourselves to their situation, leading to a sudden negative fluctuation in our mood, all from a few seconds of screentime. 

I think of the distinction between adaptive and maladaptive comparison with a simple question – Does it energize and motivate me (adaptive), or does it leave me feeling discouraged and inadequate (maladaptive).

Do any of us remember when the number of likes or views became such a powerful force of validation? This comparison can be adaptive in that it can push me to produce better content, but (more often) it ends up being maladaptive in that I can hyper-fixate on how one of my posts got a third of the impressions over another, with my brain taking no time at all to start spinning the tale of how I’m being perceived by my peers and connections and that I’ve done something wrong.

When we compare, we end up trying to see where we stand in an imagined ranking system against others. We’re all different, we all have cool things about us, but at the same time, we’re all just normal folks with our own issues and mistakes.

Addressing the challenge of shifting from maladaptive to adaptive comparisons requires a conscious effort to reframe our perspective. It’s about cultivating a mindset where our focus shifts from rivalry to self-improvement, from envy to inspiration. This doesn’t mean ignoring the achievements of others but rather seeing them as benchmarks for our own potential growth, without the self-deprecating narrative.

Here’s a few ways to put this mindset shift into practice:

  • Catch Yourself: The first step is becoming aware of your comparison habits. When you find yourself feeling down after scrolling through social media, take a breath and ask yourself, “Is this motivating me or making me feel small?”
  • Reframe the Narrative: Instead of the usual “Ugh, I’ll never be as cool as them,” try a more positive spin. “Wow, that’s inspiring! Maybe I could try incorporating some of their techniques into my own work.”
  • Gratitude: Thankful brains are less comparison prone. Acknowledging even 3 small things one is grateful for can have a deeply uplifting effect.

The constant comparison trap can steal our joy and stunt our growth. How about we instead focus on celebrating uniqueness, seeking inspiration instead of competition, & focusing on our own strengths?

* Supporting Resources: