self-esteem

Stuck in Replay? How Rumination Affects Our Mind and Self-Esteem

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Have you ever found yourself ruminating on a past argument, reliving the hurt and anger? Or had moments where you start thinking about an argument you had and suddenly you’ve developed a whole alternate scenario of how things could have turned out, what would have been an amazing comeback, or how we could have avoided being embarrassed through a quip or a retort. The problem is – when we’re on this runaway train of thought, our bodies respond as if we are in the moment of this imagined scenario and all the associated feelings and emotions flood in – our heart rate rises, the cortisol levels in our body increase, and suddenly we find ourselves lying awake, anxious, in the middle of the night, when very little of what we imagined actually happened, and with no positive outcome or solution. This is the trap of rumination.

How does the Brain Ruminate:

In the brain, rumination is often linked to the default mode network (DMN) – which is active when our mind wanders, and involves self-referential processing. It’s active when we’re awake but not really thinking about anything in particular. While it might feel that rumination is a powerful emotion that demands attention, it can actually affect one’s self-perception negatively i.e. the incident that occurred with me in which I was strongly implicated really hurt my feelings. Continuously ruminating on a distressing incident can amplify the emotional pain and solidify an overly critical self-assessment. This process makes it difficult to separate one’s identity from these negative events, perpetuating a cycle of self-blame and lowered self-esteem.

Rumination v/s Reflection:

There’s a fine but clear distinction between rumination and reflection. Reflection often involves analyzing an instance in a balanced way, considering both positive and negative aspects, with the aim to learn and grow from it. Rumination, on the other hand, focuses on negative emotions and doesn’t lead to solutions. For instance, imagine a scenario where you gave a presentation at work and afterwards felt you could have explained a section better:

Rumination: You dwell on the negative thoughts: “It was a disaster! Everyone thinks I’m bad. I should quit!” (Focuses on self-blame and negativity)

Reflection: After the presentation, you think, “I could have explained that part better. Next time, I’ll try a different visual aid.” (Focuses on learning from a mistake)

Ruminating can sometimes be a useful mechanism as it can help us learn from our experiences. By ruminating on what went wrong, our ancestors could learn to avoid similar dangers or mistakes in the future. While these evolutionary reasons may have been advantageous in the past, the modern world presents far fewer physical threats, yet our brains continue to operate as if we’re on constant high alert. Letting go of that one seemingly insensitive thing your friend said will not threaten your survival. However, this mismatch between our evolutionary processes and the modern society leads to overgeneralization, where the brain applies ancient survival mechanisms to modern-day stresses, resulting in chronic rumination and anxiety over relatively minor issues.

Avoiding the Rumination Trap:

There are various strategies that are suggested in bodies of research that can help practically step out the rumination cycle. Some of the ones I find most effective are:

  • Thought labeling: Identify rumination when it happens, and simply label it. “I’m stuck in a rumination cycle right now’. Language is powerful, and recalling just one word that labels a train of thought can help disrupt it.
  • Scheduled ‘Worry time’: When I’m anxious and am unable to get out of anxious thoughts, I alot myself a time window : if it’s 1 am in the night and I’m stuck in a negative loop, I set a quick alarm for the next 5-7 minutes in which I dedicate it to letting my thoughts run wild. The idea here is to allow myself to think about these things without judgment, but only during this designated time. Often, I’ve already stopped ruminating and find myself simply waiting for the alarm to ring, signaling an actual closure to the loop.
  • Physical distractions: 5 jumping jacks, a quick jig, blasting my favorite song in my ears for a few seconds, or any other form of distraction that simply takes me away for a few seconds offers great mental relief.
  • Antidote experiences: Whenever possible, I try to engage with a really positive experience, to counterbalance the negative bias inherent in rumination. This can include simple moments of joy, successes, or just a joke that cracked me up earlier.
  • Acceptance and Mindfulness: Accepting flaws without harsh judgement, and with a moment of mindful awareness is hugely powerful, although a bit harder to practice for me personally in instances of rumination.

While there are certainly many other strategies that work for different people, We have to find what works for us. We’re all wired differently, and discovering what helps in what situation is a truly personal and explorative journey. Learning about strategies and credible ways to avoid rumination and other anxious feelings is a great first step in this path so that one can then explore what works, and further bolster our mental toolkits to be able to deploy these strategies in inevitable moments of stress.

Sources and Supporting Research:

Stop Comparing, Start Thriving: Why “Comparison is the Thief of Joy” Matters More Than Ever

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We often hear the adage – “Comparison is the thief of joy” – but why? Why do humans compare and does it ever serve us?

The human tendency to compare ourselves with others has deep roots in the theory of evolution and social psychology. Neuroimaging research* has even shown that there are certain regions of the brain that are activated when we indulge in social comparisons, meaning that it has a deeper, biological biases along with the psychological and evolutionary. But why have we evolved to have this trait if it is bad?

Evolutionarily, comparison helped improve our chances of survival. Simply put, it let early humans learn who was better at finding food, avoiding predators, making better tools etc. This was not about jealousy or pride, but about finding the best strategy for survival. “if she can catch more fish using that technique, maybe I should try it…”

Comparison can be adaptive and it can motivate self-improvement, foster empathy and enhance learning. When comparison is adaptive, it is a proponent of progress instead of a thief of joy. Mentorship is a good example of this. I may not be inspired if I didn’t compare myself to someone who has achieved success on an aspirational path. `

Alternatively, comparison can be maladaptive, characterized by a negative focus, a distorted perception of reality, leading to decreased well-being, low self-esteem, jealousy, social isolation, and mental conditions like depression and anxiety. We’re all too familiar with seeing someone’s highly curated social media content and immediately (unconsciously) comparing ourselves to their situation, leading to a sudden negative fluctuation in our mood, all from a few seconds of screentime. 

I think of the distinction between adaptive and maladaptive comparison with a simple question – Does it energize and motivate me (adaptive), or does it leave me feeling discouraged and inadequate (maladaptive).

Do any of us remember when the number of likes or views became such a powerful force of validation? This comparison can be adaptive in that it can push me to produce better content, but (more often) it ends up being maladaptive in that I can hyper-fixate on how one of my posts got a third of the impressions over another, with my brain taking no time at all to start spinning the tale of how I’m being perceived by my peers and connections and that I’ve done something wrong.

When we compare, we end up trying to see where we stand in an imagined ranking system against others. We’re all different, we all have cool things about us, but at the same time, we’re all just normal folks with our own issues and mistakes.

Addressing the challenge of shifting from maladaptive to adaptive comparisons requires a conscious effort to reframe our perspective. It’s about cultivating a mindset where our focus shifts from rivalry to self-improvement, from envy to inspiration. This doesn’t mean ignoring the achievements of others but rather seeing them as benchmarks for our own potential growth, without the self-deprecating narrative.

Here’s a few ways to put this mindset shift into practice:

  • Catch Yourself: The first step is becoming aware of your comparison habits. When you find yourself feeling down after scrolling through social media, take a breath and ask yourself, “Is this motivating me or making me feel small?”
  • Reframe the Narrative: Instead of the usual “Ugh, I’ll never be as cool as them,” try a more positive spin. “Wow, that’s inspiring! Maybe I could try incorporating some of their techniques into my own work.”
  • Gratitude: Thankful brains are less comparison prone. Acknowledging even 3 small things one is grateful for can have a deeply uplifting effect.

The constant comparison trap can steal our joy and stunt our growth. How about we instead focus on celebrating uniqueness, seeking inspiration instead of competition, & focusing on our own strengths?

* Supporting Resources: